Fear of Flying

The day I’m leaving is closing in. I am afraid of flying. Terribly. In fact, I have an unbelievable fear of flying, there’s no way I can control it once I’m up there. It’s totally overwhelming. I can’t breathe normally, I start to sweat, all my muscles become rock-hard, the back of my head feels numb and the same happens to my hands and my toes. My brain functions are totally impaired, I can’t reason normally and I can only utter brief meaningless sentences. I can’t focus on one subject for more than a few seconds at short intervals. I wish I could fall asleep, or at least calm down a bit, but as soon as the plane shakes a even a few inches, I become suddenly alert again, eyes peeled, ears open, heart throbbing, quick breathing, dashing forward. And then it takes a while to relax again, hours perhaps. Once the plane lands, I feel sick for two days. My muscles are all in a sore and so are my joints. I feel strong shocks of pain inside my bowels and I can’t sleep. This is my fear of flying. And my flight will last twelve hours.

I can’t even sleep normally these days and the flight is more than two weeks away. I keep tossing and turning in the bed for about two hours, before I manage to get some sleep. The other day, the doctor prescribed me some downers, but they’re not strong enough. They do relax me a bit, but I can easily keep doing almost everything while the drug is supposedly at its “peak” effect. Fuck it. I want to fall asleep up there and this drug can’t even knock me out down here? There’s no way I can risk a panic attack in mid-air. Do they have a medic on board by the way?

I have other fears as well. Mostly the fear of the unknown, knowing what I’ll leave behind and knowing not what I’ll find. I feel I’m already living in my past, like I’m watching a movie of myself shot before my departure. Once this movie ends, my flight takes off and all that I have now will be gone, probably forever. Sure, I’ll keep in touch with my friends, but it won’t be the same as sharing the same roof with them. Sure, I’ll have my cats sent sooner or later, but it won’t be the same as having them here, right now with me, accustomed to this house. Sure, I’ll give a ring to my family every now and then as I usually do, but I’ll find myself five time zones West of them.

And I’ll be alone. No matter whom I think I know in Argentina. No matter who I am in touch with, right now. No matter whom I daydream I’ll get to know. I’ll be alone, and away. Again.

All fears can be normalized down to two basic fears: loosing something or being in pain. I want to live. I don’t want to be in pain. All the rest is expendable.