Starting anew

I shaved my head almost completely last night. Down to 1 millimeter. This is so trite and common and cliché that it sickens me. It's so damn obvious. I'll be soon starting a new life, change of life change of haircut. But there's something else and it's even worse.

Actually it all began when I went to a hairdresser friend of mine and got back with a ominous haircut. More than sinister, it was like the typical get-a-life never-will-be Hollywood star haircut. Then, I made the unforgivable mistake of telling a friend of mine that I was thinking about shaving my head. He was drunk. He proposed to everybody to shave their head, in my honor. I accepted reluctantly, but if they're happy with it I don't care. I just want to be cowardly left alone. I don't care who I have to please or how, to get rid of a burden. If it's something expendable, it's not worth to keep it. And so is my hair.

We got home later and shaved our heads.

I hate this testosterone-driven rituals that are supposedly aimed at strengthening the bond between human beings, especially men. One of them even swore to me that he won't have his hair cut until my return. I tried hard to be pleased about it, but in the end I always think: get a life, losers! What is it that you need so much from me? Can't you try to be real men for once and realize it's not that easy for me to leave you all behind? That I'd rather not be reminded, every time I go out and I just want to enjoy my last moments here, that our ways will soon part. Maybe forever. Don't you understand that the more you try to keep me here, the more I'll crave to run away? Don't you understand that I not only have to abandon you all, but also start anew? I'll be facing the unknown and all you can egoistically point out is that it's my fault if you feel like that. Fuck, life is short, I don't want to end up like you, stale in some place, letting time slipping through your mind and life living you. There's much to see and very little time to do it. I'm sorry. No I'm not.

We oftentimes get the opposite of what we want, if we let ourselves be guided by our fears. You have to tame your fear, then use your reason to obtain what you need. And, above all, try not to think only about yourself. Think ahead. If I'd stayed here, life would be worse for me and consequently for you all. I'm sick of this place, I need a change, a change that has forced me to face one of my worst fears: the fear of flying. How can you all be so selfish?

I need to start anew. That initial thrill you feel when you meet someone new, when you discover someplace new, has waned away. I'm back to my inertial self, the self that takes over between one unexpected discovery and the other. The in-between self. The boredom self. I'm not the self I like. I need to change, both inside and outside, and I don't feel like explaining the reasons behind my new behavior to the people around me. Nor I need to justify it. And, even less, I need to be filed as "already known" under a certain number of behavioral patterns. I need new people to be my new self, new people that have no previous image of me.

I needed to get rid of all this, along with my hair.